The Spanish Inquisition
by Angry Nazar
Summary: She just didn't see the Spanish Inquisition coming. This fic contains crack-pairing and some Pythonesque influence. Inspired by Monty Python's 'The Spanish Inquisition'. Cover art by yours truly


_Disclaimer: Detective Conan (c) Aoyama Gosho. This one-shot was inspired by a Monty Python sketch titled _The Spanish Inquisition_._

_This fic may contain serious amounts of crack-pairing and OOC-ness. Caveat lector (i.e., let the reader beware) _:p

_One word: Enjoy!_

* * *

_March 14, 1400 local time _

A white airmail envelope was placed beneath the door of Agasa's house. A girl, carrying a simple ring from her boyfriend (which is a White Day gift) and some grocery, takes the envelope in. Once she opened the envelope, it reveals that the envelope contains but a sheet, on which written but a line.

_Beware the Ides of March, Sherry. We've found you._

The letter was completely anonymous. The letter leaves her shivering. Despite the Organization's dissolution a few months ago, she still worries what will they do on her, on the professor, on her boyfriend, on her friends, on...

*_and the list goes on and on and – WHAM! – _the author got his neck hit by a baton, not unlike how Shinichi got unconscious before he shrunk, save the loss of consciousness and shrinking*

... especially since the bald professor told her that some robber has intruded the currently unused, underground lab. A few weeks after she (and Shinichi) returned to their true selves (apparently, after an invention of the professor exploded, reportedly 'releasing a radioactive residue' that turned the shrunken kids to their true selves), the lab's activity has been toned down, but still... she shudders at the possibility that the lab contains something more precious than anything the thief can see outside the lab.

Could it be what remains of her (underground) research on APTX4869? We'll see.

Meanwhile, a fat figure in black spies on the strawberry blonde. He smiles as they knew she's gripped in fear. She had absolutely no idea that this crazy theft forebode a timeless memory.

_A few moments later, in Kudo's house..._

A awkward scream was played in Shinichi's phone. As he looks at the screen, he figures out who sent him the e-mail.

_Subject: Prepare for Ides of March._

_Meet the mastermind in front of Poirot by the hour of nones.  
Don't forget your dress codes._

* * *

_~ The Spanish Inquisition ~_

* * *

_March 15, 0930 local time, in Agasa's house_

"Ready?"Ran asked her adversary.

"Sure," Shiho answered slyly. There is a rumor that she has some skill with a certain martial arts. Ran decides to confirm it, as well as protecting herself from something should the rumor is true.

Soon enough, the combat began, and Ran realized that this rumor happens to be true, lessening her worries about this something else. However, Eisuke, who enters the scene a moment later, is surprised to see the two fighting, knowing absolutely nothing about the fight's nature. "Hey, you two, stop fighting!" he said as he rushed in, separating the two girls apart with his hands.

"Relax, it's just a spa-" Ran tried to explain, but she abruptly pauses as she saw Eisuke's other hand hit something unusually... squishy. "Errr... I gotta go. Your girl's really hard to handle once she goes berserk," Ran said nervously as she saw Shiho smoldering, then ran away.

"What's the matter, actually?" he wondered, scratching his head with his left finger as he pushed the object on his right hand, leaving him – and the object – falling in an awkward way. He's now above the object: his girlfriend.

"Do one more perverted thing and I might consider you to be burned at the stake," she says in an angry tone, using her anger to divert him from her blush.

"What?" he startled to hear such a threat. "What did you say?" he said without moving from her body.

"Do one more perverted thing and I might consider you to be burned at the stake," she repeated.

"B-Burning me at the stake?" he questioned, nervously. She nodded.

"Listen," he retorted while standing up, then offering her a hand to grab on. "I don't think that kind of perversity is worth a capital punishment! I mean, with that kind of offense, no one would expect to face the Spanish Inquisition!" he continued as he pulled her.

As soon as he said this, however, four figures, each wearing a black attire, and an Anonymous-style mask, rushed in. One of them has silver hair and wearing a hat, while the other three wears a hood. One of the hooded men exclaims in an obviously female voice, "Of course, dear, _nobody _expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... oh, our _two _weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency... err... our _three_ weapons are fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency... and an edge of technology from Anokata... our _four_... wait... _Amongst_ our weapons... amongstour weaponry are such elements like fear, ... ah, let's get away with this..." She made a silly attempt at introducing themselves, before they hurried out.

"Wait, what did you say?" she asked in surprise, fear gripping her as she realizes the threat was real.

"With that kind of offense, no one would expect to face the Spanish Inquisition," he replied.

The four rushed in again, then the hooded woman exclaims again, "Of course, dear, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements like fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency, and...," She was interrupted by the one wearing a hat, "Enough with the introduction, Earth Sparrow! Water Hawk, did you bring the rope?"

Eisuke answered, " I did, Fire Penguin."

"Excellent. Let's tie down our traitor," the other person – fairly fat compared to his peers – concluded. Before anyone had even moved, however, their target fainted, probably because realizing her boyfriend is among their rank is too much for her to handle.

"Great, she wouldn't struggle if we tie her right here," Earth Sparrow interjected.

"No, don't tie her right here. My spies know a better place where she can be interrogated," the fat one says just as Water Hawk was going to tie her.

"Where?" asked the three.

"You'll figure. Follow me, I'll bring her down with Mountain Falcon," the fat one says. The four then goes somewhere, with two of them carrying her there.

"Beware, guys, she bites," warned Fire Penguin.

* * *

_~ The Spanish Inquisition ~_

* * *

As she regained consciousness, she wonders what on Earth is this place. She realized that there are quite a number of the hooded peoples. Her two hands are tied up above her heads, the tied hands are tied to a nail just above her. Thanks to Fire Penguin's warning, her legs are tied, too. Her hip is also bound to the wall of the room.

"W-where am I?" she asked weakly.

"Poor, poor Sherry, abandoning her own lab as soon as she returns to her true self," replied a male voice, quite similar to the fat man's voice. There were several men in the lab. Everybody except her wears black hooded attires and Anonymous masks similar to the three who captured her (sans Fire Penguin, for the hood, and Water Hawk, for obvious reasons).

"Who... who are you?" she asked again.

"Oh... we're the Order of the Gates, a subdivision of the Organization specialized to hunt peoples he want to be eliminated, like you," Fire Penguin answered.

"However, before we finish you off, I have an offer you can't refuse. Will you repent from your betrayal?" Fire Penguin continued. She shook her head, signaling that she won't repent.

"Well, I'd take that as a negative," yet another male voice answered.

"Lake Duck?" Fire Penguin said in surprise as the man appears.

"Too bad, Sherry, we'd gladly accept gifted peoples like you... or your detective boyfriend," he continued.

'Her boyfriend is not that detective, Duck,' whispered Fire Penguin. The whispers were barely loud enough for Shiho to hear, but it was enough to affirm her worries that her boyfriend is a member of the very organization that she loathes.

'I know that already, Penguin. So, is he Mountain Falcon?' this Duck whispered back, still believing that her boyfriend is a detective.

'Water Hawk, actually' Fire Penguin appears to attempt a rolling eye, but it's hard to discern due to the Anonymous mask.

'Oh, that bespectacled, 'careless' boy,' he concluded.

"Alright, back to our prisoner," Mountain Falcon interrupted, signaling them to return their focus to a certain traitor.

"So, what is it? Will you refuse the offer? This is your last chance should you change your mind," offered Fire Penguin. She still refuses the offer.

"Alright, so you decided to refuse it, eh? Sparrow... fetch my stock!" Fire Penguin commanded.

Unexpectedly, Earth Sparrow took a _stock certificate_, certifying that Mouri Ran had bought five shares of Pasar Turi Bank.

'Thank goodness you gave her its back to see. One more mistake and our plan may be foiled, fool,' Fire Penguin whispered in anger to Earth Sparrow.

'So which stock did you mean?' asked Earth Sparrow.

'Owl, did you think what I think about the bank that issued the shares?' whispered Mountain Falcon.

'The bank has fallen into bankruptcy, it's now taken over by the government?' whispered Wind Owl. Mountain Falcon shook his head, then saying, "Nope, the bank doesn't even exist."

"I guess this is it," answered the fat man.

"Thanks, Lake Duck," said Fire Penguin as the person took the stick.

"So, what are you going to do with the stick? With a gun-butt but nothing else on it?" asked Earth Sparrow.

"Check this out," Fire Penguin said as the person twisted the butt of the stick, revealing a bow.

"A folded crossbow! Are you going to shot her down with it?" asked Earth Sparrow excitedly.

"Nah, I would rather extract some information before I shot her," answered Fire Penguin.

"Now, I would ask you some questions. Answer truthfully, or I'll torture you with this crossbow," continued Fire Penguin to the prisoner.

"How would you torture someone with an unloaded crossbow?" asked Mountain Falcon.

"Like this," Fire Penguin answered as the person pokes the crossbow to her hip.

"Earth Sparrow, read the verdict," commanded Fire Penguin. Earth Sparrow responded, as she reads a paper containing the verdict, "You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church."

The 'verdict', obviously, made the captors and prisoner alike confused. The prisoner only managed to mutter a 'What?' (and so does a few of the hooded men), and a furious Penguin grabs the paper from Sparrow's hand and read it: "'You are hereby charged that you have committed treachery upon the Organization. You are accused of treachery on three counts: Treachery by thought, treachery by word, treachery by deed... and treachery by action.' Man, whoever wrote it should know that that's _four _count. Now, how do you plead?"

The prisoner can say nothing, in which Penguin closed in, "Will you confess?"

"Confess!" echoed everyone else in the lab to intimidate the prisoner. Suddenly, there is an awkward scream: "I CONFESS!" in an obviously male voice. Penguin, knowing it was from Falcon's direction, shouted, "Not you, Falcon!" albeit the person is unsure if it was actually Falcon's voice. To make matters more confusing, _Falcon_ was the first one to shout "Confess!"

Confused, Falcon replied, "It wasn't me!" As he reached his phone and seek what is the matter, he mumbled, 'Don't say it is Kazu-chan, asking me to arrange a date with her,' annoyance clearly painted across his face it can even be seen without removing his mask. After it rang another "I CONFESS!", Fire Penguin knew it wasn't him indeed. In fact, after Owl peeked Falcon's phone, he commented, 'Yeah, buddy, it _is_ from your girlfriend.' Falcon then made an excuse to get himself out of the lab.

"Hello?" he said over the phone, after creeping into Professor's bedroom and removed his Anonymous mask, revealing a detective's face.

"Honey, can you..." Indeed, as Owl had pointed out, it _is_ Kazuha, Falcon's girlfriend.

"I'm in Hakase's house, pulling off a prank on a friend of mine. If you want to come in, just do not enter the lab until I give the OK. Can you understand?" Falcon quickly interrupted. He then shut the connection, leaving a disappointed Kazuha in the other side of the line. He dons the mask again, then returns to the lab.

_Meanwhile, when Falcon went out of the lab..._

As they pressed her to confess, someone shouted, "Just confess!" – it was probably Owl, since it is obviously a male voice, and Falcon is out, but she just can't endure the torturous crossbow-poking.

"Stop it, men. She just won't repent. Prepare the fire squad," Penguin signaled the Order to stop trying and go executing. However, Penguin remembered something, and than the person said, "But do not fire before Falcon comes!"

"Why?" asked Duck.

"I've just remembered that the only live bullet is in Falcon's gun, and we all know he is miss-" Before Penguin can finish the talk, Falcon himself appeared, "-ing. Okay, get ready in formation," Penguin signaled, then taking its place in the formation.

"On the count of three, fire at will at the target! One... two...," shouted Penguin. Their target can only cower in fear, closing her eyes as she's going to die – or so she believes.

"... three," Penguin concluded, which was answered by a lot of gunshot reports. She seems so worried to die, it is clearly painted over her face.

But rather than facing death, she instead found her clothes wet! Apparently, those gunfire sounds were made with two air-soft guns chambered with no bullet.

"If you carried the bullet, why would you wait for Falcon?" asked Hawk.

"Not to let him miss the fun, I presume,"Penguin answered nonchalantly. "However, we're not going to punish you for real, because we're so short of executors at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to Libya. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket. Get out there and do some decent manhunt. Ooh, this place makes you sick. Best I can manage here is the gas chamber we used to kill you before you escaped. Now, Libya? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labor, and a booming stock market. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. But I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be burnt at the stake...," it continued.

"... but we're out of combustibles, actually, and we don't wish to be accused for Satan worship just for executing someone. Mountain Falcon, Wind Owl! Mind to help me releasing this girl?" continued Fire Penguin. The two boys then loosens the ties around this poor girl.

"Who are you, actually?" she asked again.

"Alright, guys, open your masquerades," Penguin ordered. As the rest of the crew revealed their faces – Duck happens to be Agasa, Sparrow happens to be Sonoko– Penguin removes her hat and silver wig as she says, "Men, this wig starts to feel itchy," revealing Ran. Falcon and Owl, after Ran removed her disguises, removed their masks simultaneously, revealing two Shinichi-like faces.

"Wait. Which of you is the real Shinichi?" asked a confused Shiho. Falcon and Owl wiped their faces together, to reveal that Falcon was played by Shinichi and Heiji played as Owl.

"For how long did you date Kazuha?" asked Ran. For all these time, before she learned that Shiho dated wth Eisuke a couple of days ago, she thought that Shinichi's girlfriend was Shiho rather than Kazuha. Even Sonoko left speechless after this revelation, as she once believed that Shiho's a double-timer after she learnt about Eisuke when they were plotting this 'torture'.

"Err... a few months after we broke?" answered Heiji awkwardly. Shinichi then added, also awkwardly, "A few weeks after that girl got hooked, I think," as he points at Shiho.

"Actually, rumors has it that you four got hooked on the same day, yet I'm not sure if you guys were," answered Sonoko behind her Anonymous mask.

"Now, are you going to stand there or join in for your birthday party?" asked Ran.

'Birthday? What birthday?' Shiho had completely forgotten that they pulled the tortures on her birthday. "I guess I'll just stand here, if only it's because my hands are still tied up there," she replied, trying to cover the fact that she had forgotten her birthday. Ran only mumbled something like, 'OK, OK,' then cut the ropes on her hands. After the rope was cut, the two hugged each other passionately. They appears to whisper to each other in the hug.

"Are they going to have some, you know, yaoi action?" whispered Eisuke a few minutes later, seeing the two girls haven't finished the hug yet.

"One, it's _yuri_ if we're speaking about girls. Two, I don't think they have that kind of relation. I can't tell if the question is whether they hugged each other as close friends or foster sister, but I certainly won't say as romantic lovers," Shinichi answered. 'Geez, this guy has become a pervert as they got hooked,' he mumbled then.

"And you, like my ex, is a mystery maniac," a woman spoke to him, full of annoyance. The attention shifted to her. It was Kazuha. While the attention is diverted to her, the two girls pushes each other, to then get in a pose like they're going to have a fight again.

"Told you not to be too confident, buddy," Ran told her 'foe'.

"You, too," answered Shiho. However, as Ran charged up an attack, Shiho just stood where she were, only to dodge Ran's incoming punch and grab it. She then says, "But I think a full-scale fight in an underground lab is not an appropriate way to celebrate someone's birthday. But why the fight?"

"Let this be a secret just between the two of us, OK?" answered Ran, to which Shiho only nod. She then whispered, 'It's a friend's dare, really. There's a rumor that a transferred girl, reportedly a blonde, is a promising new seed within the taiji quan club. This guy, believing that you're the girl, dares me to fight you to prove the rumor.'

''Promising seed'? That sounds too much for me. And how if you refused the dare?' she asked.

'He will ask me to finish his Astronomy homework. It's not I like to fight a friend for a random dare, I'd rather evade to do something I'm sure he'll do better himself. Besides, he's rather a bully, threatening to spread a rumor that I'm having a romantic affair with you,' she replied.

'A bully within a karate club. How interesting. Did he perform well?' she asked with a rolling eyes, unaware of the rumor the bully have threatened to spread.

'I guess 'Big talk, no walk' summarizes him nicely. He performs the worst among the boys,' Ran whispered, rolling eyes as well. Shiho only managed a facepalm as Sonoko interrupts them, "Who's this new guy you're talking about?" The two simply answered, "It's our secret," grinning wide after their reply.

_The End _(or is it?)

* * *

-x omake x-

_March 21, 1530, some random shopping center_

"But how come he believed it was me? Everyone in my club knows the seed is Mira, not me," asked a confused Shiho.

"He told me – when he forced me the dare – that he witnessed you taking down a bully that tries to rob you," explained Ran.

"Ah, that figures. Still, I don't I'm that promising," she replied.

"Well, for a pro, that's may be true. For someone with a past of their scientist, I believe that's an understatement," the long-haired brunette said.

"Ssh – keep that part a secret or else," threatened a certain surprised blonde, a finger across her lips. "By the way, why did we bought these?" she asked, poniting to the black-hooded robe and Anonymous mask.

'Actually, we're going to haunt that bald, fat, man. He promised us, the conspirators, some money after we haunted you, but he have yet to pay it by now,' whispered Ran.

'What the...,', Shiho muttered, learning the nature of their 'haunt back'.

'Actually, we've got Kazuha to join us, and all we need is you to complete the haunt,' Ran continued.

'I'll certainly join in, seeing that he's the mastermind of my misery last week... Wait, how did you convince her to join in?' she asked.

'Oh, a boy has his ways,' she answered, hiding how the boy convinced Kazuha, or even who's the boy; Shiho already had a hunch that the boy is either her current boyfriend (i.e., Shinichi) or her ex (Heiji), and Ran successfully kept her question on this matter unanswered. 'And how come you have that sort of knowledge?' she returned, referring to her friend's skill in martial arts.

'Actually, I've been practicing it a month before my sister's crazy heist,' she replied in a downcast expression.

'I see,' Ran whispered silently. 'Still, will you join in the haunt?'

Shiho only nodded with a smile on her face. 'Great, I don't need to play as Penguin again and put up an offer you can't refuse, then,' Ran responded happily.

* * *

_Fin _(for real!)

* * *

_**OK, before you sue me for heretic writings (who would~), I'd like to set a few things straight:**_

_**1. I completely made up stuffs about Shiho's birthday and her skills in taiji quan.**_

_**2. The code names of the Order of the Gate is inspired by the Ba Gua (lit. means 'eight symbols') – go figure which symbols haven't been used **_**:p**

_**3. Whether the Organization had actually dissolved is left to reader's imagination, as well as their haunt-back at Professor Agasa **_**:)**


End file.
